The dog is licking and I cannot stand the noise.

My back is stupid. 

Stream of thoughts and... Go.

I hate that I procrastinate. I have an idea but then I only go half-assed. I purchase things, make plans and then I don't follow through with them. For instance... I want to get fit. Everyone has this ideal for themselves  about what they want to look like or whatever. I got my bike. I need to ride more. I'm interested in yoga. I got a mat and a couple of starter DVDs and I would like to take classes. Have I followed through? Nope. I hate me for this. I know I would mentally and physically benefit from exercise. Something happens. I get sick. My body hurts. I'm busy with work. I gotta do this. I have to take care of that. I slice my thumb open. Questions questions... Is my body/mind creating these problems to terminate supposed plans? Is it depression that rules this? 

Back to my back... I've been going to a chiropractor to see about my back issues. An X-ray revealed that I do not have a case of scoliosis. Misdiagnosis! Great. Now why, if I'm not overly or stupidly too active, does my back go into random spasms? Is this the mind/body (dis)connect doing its tricks again? So I've been having adjustments which help a bit and I'm trying different therapies to see if we can knock this garbage out. I shouldn't be in this much pain for nothing. Looking at an MRI and some injections.

Whoo boy.

Spoons

There's something called the spoon theory. It gives people an idea how people suffering with lupus spend their time. The spoons represent choices to be made. You only have so many choices you can make - only so many spoons to spend. 

I have spoons. I don't know how many spoons I have. Shame. But once my spoons are gone, I start to shut down or I cry or I lash out. I want to throw my spoons and give up. Sometimes I want to gingerly lay my spoons down and silently walk away. A lot of days, those spoons need straightening, organizing, shining, reordering, and straightening again before I can spend them. 

Today, I am tired. Standing exhausts me. Getting out of bed is physically draining. Somehow, I manage to work through the day. Spoons. 

Truth

Oh Shit. Another one of THOSE people. I'm writing this to catalogue things, to sort shit out, to fix whatever the hell is wrong. Even within my own perspective, I know my life is a walk in the park. My husband is supportive and loving. My child is smart, entertaining, and very well-behaved. We have meals in our stomaches, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs. no room to complain. you see there is a stigma about this. there's a whole 'just get over it' attitude. i'd love to. i'd so fucking love to. here's the deal... no can do.

So the question is "Why?" Why the hell am I not happy? Why the hell do I always think of killing myself? Why the hell can't I feel as though I am worthwhile? Nope. Not going to sugar coat this. even I don't know.

Whine whine pity me poor me pay attention to me

who the fuck is going to care Why would anyone want to read any of this junk.

why isn't my medication working

why don't i go to therapy. because I can't afford it (time or money)

just get over it just get over it just get over it just get over it

i can't

calm down calm down calm down calm down

this is me calm you don't want to see me blow up

it's time people really saw or experienced what it's like in my head

i love it when my child comes and hugs me.

whispers hey mom... i love you.

why isn't it enough?

i'm nobody. nobody cares. i hardly care.

my back hurts why won't my back stop hurting

i wish i could sleep for days for weeks for months

i see the damned light at the end of this stupid twisted tunnel and it's where i want to be but there are these obstacles. 

i am afraid

i don't understand any of this crap.

run through the motions of daily life

i don't even want to participate in the good things

what set me off today? i woke up.

Welcome. Welcome to my brain. 

on bad days i want to stay curled up in there in the dark.

so this is the start of a stupid journey

i'm going to therapy myself.

Meow

I was working in the graduate studies office as a student aide at the local university I was studying at. It was a moist and muggy day and someone came into the office saying that a kitten wandered into the building.

I went investigating and decided then and there that I would take him home. Since I was still at work, I took him to a lady that was in another office. She was stocked with cat care items because she was the faculty advisor for the campus animals. 

I surprised my husband with our new addition. I had called his mom about the situation and she laughed. Ryan was okay with it all. 

He went through several names before we found one that suited him. We were really into the movie The Count of Monte Cristo, especially the supporting character, Jacopo ("Yah-kuh-poe"). We call him derrivatives of that name. Jacers, Jacy, Popo. When Ivy was younger, she called him Paco. 

This cat has a horrible habit of urinating in inconvenient places - like on the stove and on cookware. He even goes in bathtubs. He also waits at every door to make his escape. He was waking us up at all hours with weird yowling. 

When Ivy was born, we asked Ryan's parents to keep him for a while. I honestly didn't want him back because he was ruining things. We were living in apartments and really lost him a few times. 

Once we settled into our house this past summer, we reclaimed Jacopo. I think he and I finally bonded. Practically every time I sit down, he wants to be in my lap. Most times I oblige because he is warm. He still wants outside, but now he has a safe and contained outside (back yard) that he can explore. 

My Dad

I have been thinking about my dad recently. I think it has to do with my bike. Hey! I got a bike!

First story. I have hade 4 bikes in my life. The one I had training wheels on and learn to ride. I think that one was red. After I grew out of my trainer bike, I got a big girl bike with a banana seat that I rode throughout my remaining elementary years into middle school. I also had a white plastic basket on it.

(This is not a picture of my bike, but it was the bike I had - A Dream Girl by Huffy, I think.)

Then I asked for a 10-speed for a long time. I think it was Chistmas of 1992 or 3 that I finally got it. A generic red 10-speed with a white comfort seat. I was in love with those curved handlebars and I wanted a more grown up bike.

It was around this time when the first story of my dad comes up. One Saturday morning/afternoon, he and I went bike riding throughout our entire town. I don't know how long we were on the roads, but it was great. When we made out way home, we stopped at a convenience store located on the street of our neighborhood. He got us both sodas and we sat on the bench at the store and drank our Cokes.

I wish I had more stories like this.

Back to the bikes. One day I was riding around town with my brother and a couple of his friends. We rode across some railroad tracks which bent my front wheel. I stopped riding that bike. We inhereted two vintage cruiser bikes from my grandfather which my dad cleaned up and repainted. I started riding the cruiser and that was the start of my love affair with vintage and vintage-styled bicycles.

Boyfriends, jobs and cars stopped the bike riding. I never rode a bike again. It wasn't until I was 27 that I wanted a bike again. I specifically wanted a blue beach comber or a cruiser bike. It had been on my wish list ever since. After years of promises and frustrations and hunting down The Bike, I finally got myself a bike.

A student gave me a gift card as a late Christmas present. So very sweet! I picked out a bike, ordered it and my sweet husband put it together for me. The next day I picked up a tire pump and was finally able to ride my shiny, new, bike. 

The proverbial "They" say you never forget how to ride a bike. This is obviously one of life's lies. I barely went 30 yards before being scared while making a turn and plummeted arm first into a neighbor's mailbox. 

Brain:"Turn!!!" 

Arms/hands: "You idiot! We don't know how!" 

Feet: "We got this! We won't let ya fall all the way!"

Ivy was running the sidewalk with me and cried when I crash-landed into the mailbox. And she wanted to ride with me. The logical solution for us was to get a kid seat - I'm terrified that I will crash and fall again with the additional weight of Ivy when I'm still not very confident of my own balance and weight on the bike.

We will just have to wait and see. Additional note, I picked up a wicker basket for the front.

So I said I had been thinking of my dad. I have another story that in no way related to the bikes. When I was a teenager, my dad would come home from work with treats for us all - whatever we wanted. Our favorite sodas or candy. He would do this every evening without fail. And I just remembered... He used to sit outside on the front porch all the time (he still does) and I would sit out front with him. We didn't really talk much, I mostly read trashy romance novels.  

Cal's second week of adventures

Cal is going with Ivy to visit her grandparents a week before Dad and I join her. I am hoping the magic will continue and that someone documents it for me. I want to continue to share Cal's adventures. 

Motivation & Menu Plan Monday

I took a hiatus from blogging because of schedule and time adjustments (went back to work and dealing with the house purchase). Then I got sick which was nothing in itself, but it added stress. Also, there was work stress. Then a couple weeks flew by and turned into months of not really posting any content anywhere.

I got comfortable being off the grid. I was in the moment. I liked living in the present, not behind the lens or in the glow of a screen. I kept going to post, but it felt meaningless. Who wants to read my purposeless ramblings? No one, that's who. So I stayed quiet. I also lost interest. Getting back online, I hesitate.

I hesitate because it isnt important enough or helpful to the world. I hesitate because being mostly silent on the internet is a hard habit to break, though not unwelcome. I hesitate because once it is out there, it is out there forever. I hesitate because of how it might be interpreted - as a pity-seeking, attention-begging, drama-llama cry for help. I hesitate because someone somewhere else has it worse than me how-dare-I-even-mention-my-problems. I hesitate because noone wants to read that. I hesitate because that is all there is.

I would retreat from it all. Shut it all down. Never look back. Return to how things were. To The Before. But it is how I stay connected with family. It is how I stay connected with friends. It is how I stay connected to reality. And right now, I feel as though i am pulling back from reality. I can sense my Self wanting to retreat into the back corners of my mind. 

I mentally took a slight nosedive. I felt worse every day. So I chatted it up with my doctor and we increased my meds. Nature of the beast, I assume. I believe I have finally adjusted. I'm certainly not feeling disinterested in something that kept me occupied. I am feeling motivated. I want to do things, start projects, get back out there. So maybe I will.

Menu Plan Monday

Sunday - Seared pork loin & mashed potatoes

Monday - Leftovers

Tuesday - Black bean and chicken enchilada casserole (Pinterest)

Wednesday - Leftovers

Thursday - Pizza

Friday - Leftovers

Saturday - Unsure

Menu Plan Monday @ OrgJunkie

Icepocalypse

Alternate title: Icemageddon

On Tuesday, I noticed the strange forecast and we decided to get groceries just in case. 

Wednesday, the kids were excited about the weather. I went to Target to get some last few items including ice scrapers for our cars and some house slippers for my man. 

Thursday, the weather was expected to hit in the morning but didn't show up until around noon. We should have been taking bets for the district closing. The kids were even more excited because they were hopeful school would be out the following day. Afterall, there eas an announcement that all after school activities were cancelled and the teachers were allowed to leave at the same time as the kids. 

I was glad I brought my ice scraper with me because I sure did need it! The drizzle immediately froze all over my windows and the defroster took some time. On the way home, things seemed fine and clear. Students and other people took to Twitter to influence the district to cancel school because other districts were.  

Fairly late into Thursday evening, we got word that school was cancelled. Ice started accumulating. Temperatures dropped. We woke up to a winter wonderland. 

I certainly had my doubts on the weather and on the district too. We had even discussed that there would be a closing but just watch, the weather won't do anything. It'll be for nothing. 

We all bundled up to play. 

Warm breakfast, hot coffee, movies, technology gaming, venturing out into the cold, hot chocolate, and decorating for Christmas. Soup, cleaning, and much napping. 

And cabin fever. We can't go anywhere. 

We have had to find things to do. We started really decorating. 

The weather is not expected to improve our situation on Sunday. Conditions are likely to cause black ice. Roads are shut down. People have been stuck on the highway in their cars for 24+ hours. 

We are fortunate to have electricity. A lot of families are without. 

What will Monday hold in store? Will we return to work as normal? Will we be delayed? Will it be cancelled again? Who knows. 

This reminds me of a similar if not worse ice storm in 1996 in our hometown. I don't remember much. Just that we were cold and bored. We were entertained with our toys and board games in the dark afternoons. My mom and I delivered flashlights and candles to a lady who didn't have anything. I don't remember our meals but I do know my mom demanded a gas range because of it all. 

Really, it is only a few inches of ice. But it is hard ice. We aren't used to this weather. We are not prepared or equipped for this kind pf stuff. I didn't think that we would need a snow shovel our first year living in the house!  I don't know how y'all that are used to it do it!

Elf on the Shelf Week 1

We purchased Elf on the Shelf in December of last year. We let Ivy name the elf and she decided on Cal. Like many parents, we used Cal as a reminder to behave in the weeks leading up to Christmas. Somewhere along the way, we all lost interest and just put her (Cal is a girl) wherever. 

This year, things are different. Honestly, I don't really like Christmas for a lot of different reasons. But since Ivy is getting older, I want to try to enjoy the holidays for her sake. She is innocent and sweet and I want her to have fun in the moment and believe in the magic. So I decided on two things: have Cal be a fun holiday tradition and to do an Advent calendar counting the days until Christmas. I made the Advent calendar but I am not very fond of it. It is on hold for next year. 

Our elf is not a spy for Santa. Our elf doesn't really posess any magic that disappears if it is touched. Ivy just finds her elf in sweet and silly situations. Of course, Pinterest has helped in coming up with ideas. 

Here is Cal's first week of adventures. 

A little welcome back breakfast.

Sliding down the banister.

In Ivy's Christmas tree.

Hanging from the living room ceiling fan.

Ivy loves M&Ms so Cal left her some.

She turned the milk pink.

And she TP'd the tree and mantle.

Wordless Wednesday

Two Things Tuesday

1. Capturing December Photo-a-Day challenge

Day 3: Candle

The fresh balsam is from last year. All three minis are recent purchases. Merry cookie is Ivy's and I don't like it. But the rest? Oooooo! Love 'em!

2. Cold weather is coming in a couple of days. All I want is a crackling fire, a cozy blanket, and hot soup.

Menu Plan Monday & Photo Challenge day 2

Even though I have not been posting them, we have still been pretty diligent with out menu planning.

Sunday - Frozen pizza, we just got back home

Monday - beef nachos

Tuesday - I don't know yet. Husband will be busy this evening.

Wednesday - Seared pork loin, mashed potatoes

Thursday - Leftovers

Friday - the pork lasts a long time, so that and mac and cheese

Saturday - last of the leftovers

Menu Plan Monday

Capturing December Photo-a-Day challenge

Day 2: My idea of "cheer"

We put up our big tree. We came home with Ivy's small tree and put that one up too.

Capturing December Photo-A-Day Challenge

I decided to participate in the Capturing December Photo-a-Day Challenge. I saw this on Pinterest, of course. 

Day 1: Something I'm reading

Is this my official Back From Hiatus post? Nope, not today. We just got home from visiting family for the Thanksgiving holiday. 

Exhaustion and Excitement

I am not going to lie.
Returning to work after a 2.5 month long vacation is overwhelming. It is a complete change in lifestyle! Same for starting vacation.
You start with everything on a timed schedule. You have to get up, get ready, go to work, work schedule, get ready to go home, go home, fix dinner, take care of kid, shower, go to bed. The end. Begin again.
Once summer starts, you shock your body into a null schedule.  It is sleep till whenever, eat when you want, do what you want, stay up late if you like, go to bed whenever. Nap in the day if you can.
Then WHAM! Back to the schedule you shocked your body out of.
No wonder I couldn't find time for anything. It's still pretty difficult!

And it is no surprise I got sick - a sick that I am still trying to break free from. Sadly, nothing really works to kick it out of my system. I have to wait it out. I think it is mostly due to having asthma.

I am still exhausted. I just want to fall down on the couch at the end of the day. I just go and go and go. No breaks, except for lunch. At least this makes my day end a bit quicker. I feel like I have enough time to wind down and take care of a lot of business before I think about going home.

My classes are smaller this year. I have less troublesome students (knock on wood). I have fresh ideas. I always love the start of a new year. I have a lot of excitement.

That's all I've got for now.

Tiny Dancer, I have one.

My heart is breaking a little bit every day.
I realize every once in a while how quickly time is flying by.
My sweet little tiny baby is growing so fast. I barely remember just how small she was. I can hardly remember her speech developing. I rely on videos and photos that we have taken to preserve those memories and refresh or remember what I can.

It just amazes me just how much she has changed over these few years.
Do I wish I could turn back time? No.
Do I want to do this all over again with another? Eh, not right now. Not anytime soon. Probably never. I know now what I can and cannot handle.

I just wish I could slow it down and savor it. I guess this is me savoring it.

I am extremely proud of my little baby girl.

She had apparently been asking about classes where the boys she stays with take while husband and I are at work. Does this even make sense. Our babysitter sits two boys and Ivy. The boys take various classes at a big business. Ivy had been asking about taking classes.

I took her this past Monday and signed her up for a combo tap & ballet class. She was extremely excited. I got her shoes and tights that night as well. A couple days later, we got her leotard and a skirt.

Today, she had her first class. She loved it so much, she asked to take another class immediately. It was amazing to see her in her class thanks to see-through mirrors. She was totally cute. I am excited that she has finally started dance classes and that she likes it so far. I hope she stays interested and continues for a long time.

I vow I will never be one of those stage/dance moms. I'll keep her in dance as long as she wants it. She can explore any of her interests. I will be excited, no matter what. Oh yes, I do plan on saving those shoes and dance clothes. Shadow-box style!

This is just the first.

Neil Hilborn - "OCD" (Rustbelt 2013)

Blog Vacation.

I'm taking a small break from blogging until:

1.) I feel better, because I am dealing with sinus junk.

2.) I have content. It has been busy since returning to work.

3.) I figure out a good time to sit and blog.

If I cook something up, it may be something random and not on a theme day.

See ya soon!

Color Mania!

(Photos from the event were posted earlier.)

Way back in May, my girlfriends were talking about running a 5K similar to The Color Run, called Color Mania. They invited me join them and I looked into the date. I needed to be in the Houston area on August 10. We normally take a second summer visit in August and Ryan and I decided that would be a good time to go. I went ahead and purchased my ticket.

The Friday before, two of the girls and I headed to Houston for the evening to pick up our race packets and check into our hotel. We drove, literally, across the city a couple of times because nothing is ever convenient in Texas. We had dinner at Papasitos, picked up some extra things from Walmart and crashed for the night.

We woke up early, ate a little breakfast, got dressed and headed to the location for the 5K. It was planned to be at Reliant stadium, but changed at the last minute to a BMX/dirtbike dirt track. Okay... Once we got out of the car, it was hot, humid, sticky, and gross! There were markedly fewer people participating in this run than The Color Run.

Once we started walking, we knew it was going to be rough. I'd expected an experience much like TCR - an easy walk on flat concrete. Since it was a dirt track, there were tons of walking climbs, small hills and odd turns. Some of those hills were difficult to get over because the dirt was loose. About a third of the way in, I felt nauseous because of the heat and humidity. I knew I should have brought my own cold water.

Two of the girls were walking faster, but Robin walked with me. She's my hang-back buddy. She walked with me on the beach looking for shells and glass while a couple of other girls walked ahead of us. Anyway, we had our own fun! At one point, we emerged from the part of the track that was in a wooded area (thank goodness!) and were told we were too clean and totally got bombarded with paint.

Two thirds of the way in, one of the girls had to stop early. Robin and I pulled through and finished with a huge amount of paint coving our entire bodies. We finished with a bit of a jog - and our cheer squad named Amanda. There had been one paint throwing party that went without a hitch. However, our wave decided they wanted to open their paint and play with it before the run started and we didn't have much of a paint party. Just a dance session just before it started raining. My girls and I saved our packets and had our own paint war. Then it POURED. Jess and I played in the rain a bit but we had to walk back to the car in the downpour. We could barely see with the paint running down our faces into our eyes.

This run was amazing!
I really loved having friends there to share the fun with me.
I've signed up for two more. November's Color Run in Dallas and December's Run or Dye in Arlington.

Throwback Thursday

This photo is nearly 20 years old.

We used to camp at/on the beach for a weekend regularly.

Wordless Wednesday: Back to Work