Truth

Oh Shit. Another one of THOSE people. I'm writing this to catalogue things, to sort shit out, to fix whatever the hell is wrong. Even within my own perspective, I know my life is a walk in the park. My husband is supportive and loving. My child is smart, entertaining, and very well-behaved. We have meals in our stomaches, a roof over our heads, and clothes on our backs. no room to complain. you see there is a stigma about this. there's a whole 'just get over it' attitude. i'd love to. i'd so fucking love to. here's the deal... no can do.

So the question is "Why?" Why the hell am I not happy? Why the hell do I always think of killing myself? Why the hell can't I feel as though I am worthwhile? Nope. Not going to sugar coat this. even I don't know.

Whine whine pity me poor me pay attention to me

who the fuck is going to care Why would anyone want to read any of this junk.

why isn't my medication working

why don't i go to therapy. because I can't afford it (time or money)

just get over it just get over it just get over it just get over it

i can't

calm down calm down calm down calm down

this is me calm you don't want to see me blow up

it's time people really saw or experienced what it's like in my head

i love it when my child comes and hugs me.

whispers hey mom... i love you.

why isn't it enough?

i'm nobody. nobody cares. i hardly care.

my back hurts why won't my back stop hurting

i wish i could sleep for days for weeks for months

i see the damned light at the end of this stupid twisted tunnel and it's where i want to be but there are these obstacles. 

i am afraid

i don't understand any of this crap.

run through the motions of daily life

i don't even want to participate in the good things

what set me off today? i woke up.

Welcome. Welcome to my brain. 

on bad days i want to stay curled up in there in the dark.

so this is the start of a stupid journey

i'm going to therapy myself.