Run for My Life!

I'm all over the place today!

It is a good morning. Is it going to be a good day? I'm in a good mood right now and I hope it sticks around. I know I'm in a good mood because I am planning. Excited planning! I'm feeling motivated. It all started last night. My only complaint is that I'm in some pain - neck and back.

• I cleaned - I just haven't been motivated (I'm taking that as a sign of a low). But I did all the dishes, cooked dinner, put all my clothes away, made the bed, did laundry and vacuumed. And, I'm planning a thorough cleaning either this weekend or during next week.
• I'm starting to plan for the annual girls' beach weekend with my girlfriends. I play host/chef/bartender. I really want to do some more recipes and some "activities".
• I'm really wanting to run. I participated in The Color Run 5K and I've signed up for the fall run. I need to get back into running. I ran a few years ago and that was the best I have ever felt - physically and emotionally. I was rarely even in any pain. I have also done some side research about being physically active and depression - I know I will only benefit from it. Plus, I would really like to start doing 5Ks on a regular basis.
• Vlogging - I know I'm not great at it. And I really dislike sitting around editing clips. I would love to just sit and do a one-take kind of thing. I have some ideas.

Another cycle

I cannot figure out what may have brought this on, but I am experiencing another mood swing down. Teeth clenched and scowling. I woke up like this. I would have thought that taking a half day and being away from work would benefit my brain, but no.

Because it is just sitting there in my brain, I am going to get this out there. I am not exceptional at anything. I'm okay at things, but not extremely talented. I live in the real world, okay? I have realistic expectations of myself. I've said that if I had tried harder, I would be taller. What am I good at? Mediocrity. I feel bad about this. I tend to make a joke out of it, but I really do wish that I had been really great at something. Dance? Flute? Cooking? Sewing?

I want to run. I'm stuck in this rut of feeling lack of motivation. And I feel ashamed that I am placing the blame on my mental instability. There are days that I want to just stay in bed. For months. However I know that if I actually got off my lazy, unmotivated, depressed ass, it just may help my brain. Is this to be my motivation? Run for my sanity? It certainly couldn't hurt.

Should I plow into the running scene with my mediocre gusto?

Stupid, but interesting dream...

Aliens (Giger's aliens) were taking over the universe. Earth as we know it is still green, rock, water and humanoid races living in houses. Technology is upped - hellooww flying cars! And I was piloting an awesome jet-car that looked like Batman's rambler. Monsters big and small walked peacefully among us, but were rare. I was stealing money and guns. I absorbed my loved ones, changed shape and could fly. At the end of this dream, the aliens were infecting humanoids and it came down to a complete shooting fest at my deceased aunt's house and I was wearing some weird prison/space suit. Saving the planet while simultaneously evading the law... WAKEUPTIME!

They're just getting progressively more vivid and strange.

Menu Plan Monday

Menu Plan Monday Here We Go!

We have been pretty consistent with our weekly menus. Husband is in on the action and helps me plan for the week. Surprisingly, we don't have any Pinterest recipes this week. I am getting back into couponing and saving money where I can. Our favored market had a BOGO deal on two types of meat - pork loin and ground beef. So I got in on those deals. I had to repackage all that meat because it's just too much for 2.5 people. So in essence, I picked up about 10 meals for pretty cheap. Our menu this week features two of those meats. This week's BOGO was on chicken tenders. We eat mostly chicken so we saved for those dinners too.

Sunday - Chicken with couscous
Monday - Pizza
Tuesday - Tacos
Wednesday - Chicken parmesan with penne pasta
Thursday - LOs
Friday - Honey Apple Porkloin
Saturday - LOs

Tacos this week feature a non-packaged taco seasoning that is laden with extra chemicals or preservatives. I made my season myself. It's a recipe I've used before when I taught culinary arts. It was a success so I saved it. Look for that recipe here soon. Honey Apple Porkloin is a recipe that Husband found. There will most likely be a post on that later too.

The Color Run FUN!

So you read the story, now here are the pictures.

(The official starting line)

(After I stopped running the first time)

(The first color: Yellow!)

(After orange, they spayed us with purple)

(You can't really see it but there are a TON of people in the background. High-fives the entire length of this!)

(For Aunt Wanda)

(The colors are amazing!)

(A better side?)

(Another stretch of oncoming traffic. More High-fives!)

(Awyeeeah!)

(Blue haze - people were crazy here!)

(More art.)

(Fat Amy quote!! XD - Finish line home stretch)

(At the finish line!)

(Claiming my finish line medal!)

(She went into the paint pit with me and threw my yellow pigment.)

 One of the best times of my life!

Happiest 5K

They don't boast about it for nothing. It is the freaking happiest 5k on the planet.

Rewind! Prior to my last post, I had really considered transferring my registration to someone else. I didn't know who but I knew it would be troublesome. I made the promise to my aunt that I was doing this in honor of her. I can't not keep a promise. The day before the race, I felt better. The day of the race, I wasn't thinking at all. Autopilot. Eat. Dress. Get out of the door. Get to the race on time. Try not to be too cold.

There were a few completely unnecessary frustrations before getting out of the car. But once I got into the crowd, I only thought of the journey - just a short distance of 3.3 miles - and why it was so meaningful. As the sun grew higher into the sky and the upbeat music pulsed, it hit me that I was alone in this. Yes, I was walking and running with so many other people, but I had no one to personally share this experience with. And this is a reflection of my depression. Sure, there are people with me, but really, I experience this alone. But it is something I can do. I thought of giving up, quitting and losing interest. But I can't do that. I have to fight.

Our wave was ushered through the start and I just started jogging. I did pretty well for not having run in a while - about 125 yards. However, my legs were already sore and I decided to walk most of the race. The first color I received was yellow, followed by orange. I was not impressed with the lacked amount of paint I received. Then I walked to a sprayer and got purple. Then, the length of the course was about a mile of white going and coming. It was amazing to see so many people doing this! I veered to the inside lane and started high-fiving on-coming racers - and a happy birthday shout-out.

The next color was pink. I skipped through to get my honorary color for Aunt Wanda. As I got my pink, I had special healing thoughts for my sweet aunt winning her own battle. And then blue. Another course of high-fives, especially for the kiddos doing the race. I got so much blue. There was a thick, blue haze and it was amazing. It is my favorite color.

The finish line was a short distance away and we heard encouraging words to finish with. Green was then sprayed. Before I crossed the finish line, I met up with my husband and he gave me my color packet. Ivy climbed through the partition and I picked her up and carried her through with me. I opened my pigment packet (yellow) and she got to throw it multiple times. She also put her little handprint on people's shirts. She had a bit of color run fun too.

I vowed to fully take her through the course in November for her 4th birthday. Oh I am already planning this out. Im going to be more involved in the fun aspect of it all - and more prepared.

But look at this. I think I am really happy here. This was just before going through the finish line. Yes, the sun was shining in our eyes. But that smile. Can't beat it. And that was how it was for the rest of the day. Achy but happy.

I told myself I would train so I could run this race. Oops, I didn't train. But now I intend to train. I want to do more 5Ks.

Challenges

I have been thinking lately about dedicating a blog or possibly a vlog about depression or being so pessimistic. Maybe even include some morbid junk to liven things up a bit.

This week has been super challenging and I cannot fathom why. I have some good hunches but I am not an optimistic person to begin with so I don't know if those would actually be valid. One thing is for sure, I miss my family terribly. It is completely tragic that the area formerly known as out hometown is such a lack-luster area or I am sure we would move back. I know our marriage would survive it at this point. However, this is not what I wanted to talk about.

I have been having daily headaches. That's all they are, are headaches. They aren't debilitating or nauseating, so I know it isn't a migraine, but the sure are annoying. Maybe it is a fluctuation in my brain chemicals or hormones. Who knows? I sure have been terribly low this week. I passed over a train track yesterday at the same point the train was passing me in the underpass. I thought that would have been awfully convenient. It is very difficult to accept all of this. These are the lowest points I have ever been. My doctor has said there would be days like this, but that doesn't make it any easier.

Today was a tad better though. I didn't have to force myself to smile today. I was actually pretty chipper.

Another thought... Ryan asked me if I was still planning on running/walking my 5k this weekend - The Color Run. I signed up for it as soon as the Dallas date had opened registration. I had been planning on doing this for at least a year. I will be pushing through my anxiety and depression to do this. I dedicated it to my dear aunt who is battling cancer. Hell, if she can do what she is doing, I am going to battle too. For her. For my mind.

I picked up my race packet and bib this evening. I even got a few other things. As well. Ivy came into the store with me and saw someone donning the head of a unicorn costume. She needed a picture with the unicorn. Whatever Lola wants, I guess. Oh and the shirt I was wearing had unicorns on it too.

Today was a better day.