Don't Fall Asleep

Just some random updates. I know, my life is terribly interesting, right?

First off, the $20 makeup challenge vlog. This is still in the works. I purchased the makeup. I filmed it and it was 30+ minutes long. I really don't think I can edit it because of all the yammering I did. So I filmed it a second time. And apparently my skin had a reaction to one or some of the products. I didn't change a darn thing. I don't understand it. So I am thinking about "cheating." I still want to film this makeup challenge but I need to use something on my face that will keep me from having another possible allergic reaction. I am getting pretty pissed off with my skin. It's getting sensitive in it's old age. This is the third time I've had a problem with products. Well, no, not really. I think I've always had problems.

This week, we are down with family again. Ivy was here by herself (well, without Mommy and Daddy) visiting her grandparents. Ryan and I got some time to ourselves and we got to have several quiet dinners and late evenings without worrying about getting home at a certain time. Children have curfews? No... no. NNNNOOOOO. The parents are the ones with curfews because they have to be home for the kids' curfews to be valid. Ivy has just been a loving little girl. She's been so polite and sweet. I just want to buy her fun stuff. Is she ready to drive yet? Hey Ivy, what kind of BMW do you want?

Choo chooooo! Oh look it's the ADD train! It seriously derailed my thoughts. Damned shiny, glittery, train. Oooooh pretty!

Last week, she was visiting. This week, Ryan and I joined her. Next week I return home. I will be going to a conference for work. I refuse, at the moment, to go into the brain-draining details of why conferences suck so much. Then one of those days, Ryan comes home to go to a whole day of training for work. And then a day or two later, Ivy comes home.

I have pretty much decided that even though I got makeup for my birthday, I'm going to go ahead and get a bike. But I'll wait until the end of August. I have also decided to look into a membership to a gym. I've also decided to equip all computers all over the world with this magical device that prevents you from jumping through the darn thing to wring my neck with what I'm about to spew all over the internet... And if you know me in real life, remember that I come equiped with knives and a gun.

Hold on to your britches homegirls. It's a doozy. I've decided I'm fat. There I've said it. I really need to lose weight. Do you know me? Have you seen my pictures? Then you'd probably want to slap me into next week. Because everyone who does see me when this shit flys out of my mouth, I swear I somehow walk away with bruises. Anyway... here's the secret. I've learned to wear clothes that fit. So no, it doesn't look like I need to lose weight. But I am not happy. I do not feel good. Mentally or physically. I am inching closer and closer to the weight and size (so help me when I look at my profile) as I was when I was 8-9 months pregnant.

Now, before I go any further... please realize that I am a proponent of shape. People need shape! I support the Dove campaign. Screw what society says is beautiful. Shame on those people who have gendered-weight hate.  If you are comfortable with your body, then so be it. You are happy and beautiful. I just am not. I don't want to be a skeleton. I just want to feel and look healthy. I want to fit into my clothes. My heart and mind are scaring me lately. And I think it has to do with the fat on my body.

History, because we love even more of a story... I am considering myself anorexic. I had a battle with it in high school and early college. And I still have some of the mental anguish with the disease and sporadic tendencies. So I'm slapping myself into the current category of EDNOS. Maybe I'll talk about that some other time. Digression into digression.

I'm throwing it out there. I am going to make an effort to change my life with healthier options.