Internal Debate

I'm debating whether or not I should write about some drama. I guess the debate is over since I'm putting it out there. It's important. It's pretty huge. It's not like I have a readership anyway. And it's not like it's a huge secret - it was broadcast over all the news stations. I want to be as delicate as possible with this. And it all ties together in the end. The beginning of it is that I just want to get it out of my head. So I don't have to think about it anymore. So I can move on to other things that need addressing. I feel this is going to be a long post.

My brother got married a couple years ago. They are not financially stable which necessitated the new couple's living with my parents.They decided to start their own family. My nephew was born in October 09 and had health issues that was nearly fatal. He had to undergo surgery to save his life. Obviously health insurance only covers so much and the bills were rolling in.

I contacted my parents asking if they'd like to come visit for Easter and was told that there had just been too much happening. They wouldn't be able to make the trip. Understandable. One of the things was that my sister-in-law had been robbed while making deposits for the company she worked for. She quit the job because she knew they'd fire her anyway. Her parents got mad at her and took her car. Begs the question, why would parents of an adult take an automobile from their child when they quit a job? How will that person find another job? And more questions rise with that one situation.

A week goes by and I hear that she was not robbed at all. She stole the money, lied about it, then confessed and was arrested. A big question that went off in my head was "WHY?"

I knew the answers already:

• They aren't financially stable
• The baby's medical bills 
• Handling a large company's money sure is tempting
• Postpartum Depression

To my knowledge, these are her reasons. I don't think (or I just haven't been told) she has said exactly why she did it. Could she have done something else? Certainly. Would it have been any easier than what she decided to do?  Probably not.

So it got me to thinking... Were I in her position, would I do what she did? I don't know. I'm sure I would consider it and come close to doing it. All I can say now is that their family is now put into an even worse situation. She stole a lot of money from a large corporation. And is going to prison. What company would hire her after that? It will be extremely difficult. So what is my position? She was trying to help her family, but how she did it (tried to do it) was pretty stupid. Do I hate her? No. Am I ashamed and disappointed? Yes. I'm shocked and probably still in the denial stage. I still can't believe it's happening to my family. Will I support her? Yes. I still love her. I wish she had the resources I have. But a time machine doesn't exist.

In all honesty, I think I've caught myself before getting anywhere near this route. I've suffered with depression and was on medication for about 3 years. I managed to wean myself from the pills and went on to lead a perfectly symptom free life for about 4 years. Then I got pregnant and started to worry... would I end up dealing with postpartum depression because of my history?

I have been feeling more and more pessimistic, angry, and hopeless. I haven't been sleeping well and have been skipping meals. My outlook on life has dwindled. I'm a type-a personality and I've become increasingly stressed with work and this family issue. And I had been having some suicidal thoughts. So I decided to make the call. I talked to my doctor and I am back on some medication. I am not thrilled with this. I don't really remember my life on previous medication. It was a terrible time in my life. But I'm doing what I have to do to keep my family strong and together. I'm doing what I have to do for my sanity and myself. Now, If I could take care of the other issues I am facing, everything would be just great. But that's a completely different story.

I am not proud that I am in the pits of hell once again. I'm not writing about this for personal attention. I'm writing this to show people that postpartum depression is real. It causes rational, good people to think/do irrational, stupid things. PPD is damaging. And here I leave you with the public service announcement that you should get yourself checked or talk to someone if you think you may have PPD or depression in general.

More information:
Women's Health - Depression During and After Pregnancy
Postpartum.net

It's Saturday

On my Livejournal account, I used to write posts called "Saturday Suggestions." Basically a roundup of things that I liked, stumbled on (thanks to StumbleUpon) or did and wanted to share with my friends. I think I may start that here - or something similar. The Saturday Suggestions categories I had were ... Links, Books, Movies, Music, and Food.

I think for today, I'm going to just collect and showcase a few links.

First, this family mail center is a really sweet idea. It kindof reminds me of lunch box notes. A story. One of my students carries a lunch box to school. She's in 10th grade so it's a bit rare at that age. It is awesome though. Her mom makes her lunch and leaves her some amazing notes. We let her borrow "Office Space." There is this one scene and I said something about it or sang the song. Anyway, her mom left her a note that said "...it feels good to be a gangster."

The only other thing I can come up with right now is this. The second news article for FCCLA. I'm so proud of my kiddos!!

Since Ryan wants to scout some locations to photograph seniors, I need to get dressed. I'm a "model" today. Maybe some photographic evidence later.

Intentions

I originally intended this blog to be All Ivy All the Time! However, it isn't always about Ivy, is it?

Today, my student organization rounded up our collection of donated shoes, lined them up at the Hunt County Courthouse and walked around said courthouse (with FCCLA in the lead!). All in the name for raising awareness for child abuse. So far, we've collected 118 pairs of shoes. I haven't asked for the donations from the rest of the school (work). We're planning on donating the rest of the shoes next week - along with a monetary donation for the Crisis Center of Northeast Texas.

I was extremely surprised that my organization was the only one in attendance. The FCCLA of ISD the courthouse is located in participated in the drive as well, but didn't show up. We'll be featured in the paper again. After we got back to the school, I got a phone call from someone in the city who wanted to donate her shoes to us because she saw the first article. Amazing!!

Here's the link to the first article.

Photography and Business

Ryan finally decided that he should garner some business as a photographer. Something to bring a little more money into the home. Last week, we went to the Arboretum to get some test shots to get different ideas for backdrops and set-ups. And he booked and shot senior portraits today for one of his students. Sadly, he won't be making a profit this time around. But at least it's a start.

Ivy and I did tag along today. I think that it is helpful for someone like me to be there adjusting the small things and suggesting poses and other ideas. Knowing me, I'd be all nit-picky about that section of hair that was pointing in a different direction than the rest or bunched up clothes. So, I made sure to get all the small details to make sure her shots were perfect. You need a girl for that kind of stuff. Family business in the making?

I hope Ivy finds a skill or talent that she loves to do that will give her some kind of rewards in life. Ryan has Photography and he's just now starting out with his own business. I have my crafts but I have yet to really make a business out of it because I'm pretty lazy and I don't have much time anyway. Which brings me to being a stay-at-home mom. I really wish I could do that. Quit work so I could have the time to take care of Ivy and our home and to craft and sell. My head is so full of ideas and things I want to make and I can't even start on projects!

Life's Ups and Downs

While things are going a bit crazy (read: I'd rather say a lot of no-no words here, but I'm trying to control myself) at work and with my family, I can always look to Ivy to brighten my mood.

Her smiles when we pick her up from the sitter. Oh those big ones melt my heart!
The funny noises she makes (like a radio between channels) are so funny!
And tonight, while I was rocking her, she put her free hand on my chin, cheek, lips, nose. Just feeling and touching and smoothing.

What was I so upset about?

Bathtime fun!

I'm so thrilled Ivy likes to take baths. Usually, she is calm as a cucumber while bathing. Then once her booty hits the counter (towel underneath!), she starts wailing. "Put me back in!!!"
We graduated her bathtub a few days ago from the newborn sling thingy to no sling. It took a little to get used to but now... watch out! She thoroughly enjoyed kicking and splashing. And while we were drying her off, she was just fine. No wailing.

Spring Pictures

We've been taking quite a bit of photos of/with Ivy lately. Like I mentioned in my last post, we took the babe to the easter bunny. Afterward, we scoped out the Dallas Arboretum so Ryan could test some lenses with the camera and find some shooting locations.


Here comes the fun!

Oh red-headed babies. They look exceptional with green. I really wish my hand wasn't in the picture. Otherwise it'd be fantastic.

 More pictures behind the cut.

Easter!

While she is sleeping... I may as well write about her. It is Easter Sunday today. Ivy only 4 months old but it's still a kid's holiday. Easter bunny. Easter eggs. Easter basket. Eggcetera!

Yesterday, we took her to the local (junk) mall and had her picture done with the Easter bunny. Friday, we had a sitter over. When I picked her up, I took her to the Walmarks to pick up stuff for Ivy's first Easter basket. I wasn't too pleased. First off with the selection of stuff for the youngest crowd (nothing). Second, with the basket. I wanted something that would be timeless and usable for the future (plastic, neon, uuuuuuugly!). So I got a white wicker mini laundry basket. I need to locate one with a handle for possibly next year.

Yesterday, we also went to the Dallas Arboretum. Ryan wanted to take pictures for a photo shoot for a senior portrait. We got some good pictures of Ivy too. While we were out, I also picked up some more things for Ivy's basket.

Today. No big hooplah. We'll take a picture of Ivy with her basket. We boiled and dyed a few eggs for her basket too. Lunch was fried chicken (boy do I miss my frying pan) from the Walmarks and potato salad.

Yesterday and Today.

Yesterday, I took Ivy (plus a babysitter) to letterbox since Ryan was working. The video from yesterday is something we do frequently. Not the video - but gossiping. I love it.

Today we should be going to picnic at White Rock Lake and enjoy some Scottish culture. Today is Tartan Day and the Scottish Society of Dallas is having a Ceilidh.

Talky talk

Quickie!

Ivy Update - 4 months

Height 23.5 inches

Weight 12lbs 5oz

Eating: formula and rice cereal in her bottle.
Sleeping habits: Down between 8 & 9pm, waking up to need pacifier and no more night feedings.
Activities: laughing, smiling, 'talking,' taking in the arts (museum trips, movies, parades, cultural festivals), dining out and shopping.

Next weekend: Letterboxing! Child needs a STAMP!!!

The future

Camping & letterboxing
Trips to zoos, museums and parks
Ballet &/or other dance
Girl scouts, 4-H
Sleepovers and slumber parties
Birthday parties
Playing "Barbies" "Dress-up" and/or "Cars"
Sports

Whatever she wants to do.

We had a little doctor's appointment today. Miss Ivy has been pretty fussy and gassy and wanted a better way to help her out since the Mylocon isn't working. But the good new that she is 9.1 pounds now at 6wks 2 days.

One Month

Ivy had her first Christmas! She got some money, toys, books and clothes. I cannot wait for her to be older and really enjoy the holiday. She's been able to track us and hold eye contact with us. I weighed her yesterday and I think she is 7.5 pounds but the scale is off - so who really knows. She's up to 4 ounces of formula now - however, she doesn't always finish that. Sleeping is a crap shoot thought. One night she's out like a light all night, the next night will be sleepless. Last night was one of those nights. I think it was mostly because she was really gassy. We've set up a routine: Bath if needed, diaper change, bottle, burp then lights out and it's worked - of course it's only been a couple days.

Growing Girl!

Yesterday marked Ivy's 3rd week of life. Yesterday was also Ivy's due date. I cannot imagine still being pregnant.

She is doing wonderfully. She still sleeps quite a bit during the day but is beginning to have more and longer waking moments. She is now eating 3 ounces at pretty much every feeding. We haven't had her weighed since her last appointment, but I'm willing to guess she's 7 lbs and maybe 8 ounces. She makes the most wonderful faces and noises - sometimes resembling smiling and laughing.

I always thought that I'd be happy going back to work. While I'm tired of being in the apartment, I do not want to leave my child with someone else to care for. Oh if only we had the money.

We're now at 6lbs 7.5oz.
Just over her birth weight.
And everything else looks great.
Yeay!!

Some People.

I hate people sometimes.
Okay. So we had quite a bit of success with breastfeeding after coming home and having trouble because of formula feeding and not latching on. Found a solution and whammo. Everything was working.
Then the biliruben spiked. And pedi said to supplement after breastfeeding. Which disheartened me. Ivy started fighting me again because the bottle is easier. So we'll have to overcome this again. Do-able.

We went to the hospital for another biliruben screen. While there it was time for her to nurse. I asked for a place to go and was told to go back to the chapel. No problem - I head on back. And then I get stopped in my tracks. "NO BABIES PAST THE LOBBY!" Gnuh! Yes, I'm aware of that. Find somewhere for me then. Good luck.

So they start saying staff lounge - oh but men! Oh how about the ladies room. We'll get you a chair and pillow. Me = (o_O)?? So they start pulling a huge chair and I was all: Uh, no way. Forget it. Nevermind. And they kept bugging me about it as I fixed her an effing bottle saying that it's a clean bathroom. HELLO! Would YOU eat in a bathroom? I'm certainly not going to feed my child in a bathroom. I wasn't born and raised in Wal-Mart. So, instead Ryan feeds Ivy. And THEN some heffer comes up to me and says "you can go in the chapel now." I scoffed her off.

Right. I'm going in the chapel now, after the crap you fools pulled about no babies and trying to shove me in a bathroom AFTER she's been fed. Because that makes all the sense in the world. But thank you for making it that much harder to get my kid to latch on.

Oh and we have to be back there again tomorrow.

Update: Jaundice

Ivy was born a little jaundiced -nothing major- and we were told to get her into some indirect sunlight over the weekend. Well, it's been cloudy the whole time as a stupid front is making its way in and we attempted to drive her around through a partly cloudy day. We would have done window light but the angle is so extreme that there was never any light coming directly in.

So she had her first pedi appointment today which went pretty well.We were sent to the hospital for a total & direct lab on her biliruben levels today. Okay, done. By the time we got home, the pedi's office called saying that her count went up significantly. We have to supplement with formula after every nursing. We go back tomorrow morning for another bili count and if we have to, we can get her started on light/photo therapy sooner.

I just absolutely LOATHE that we have to bottle feed her and use formula. It makes me feel like I can't provide what she needs or provide enough for her. When she wasn't latching on, she had to be supplemented and I HATED that - knowing someone else was feeding her, getting to bond with her and I couldn't at all.

Ivy's Birth Story

Just be aware that I do talk about some mildly graphic stuff. And this whole post is gargantuan.

Also, Ryan created an account for Ivy on Flicker: Ivy Nation (no, nation has nothing to do with her name at all. It's just what Ryan created - you'd have to ask him about that). I'll put this link up permanently in the sidelines.