Pumpkin Silk Pie and Whipped Cream

Good afternoon folks, this is your Captain, Sass with an Ass, speaking. Welcome aboard my flight because shit is about to get real. Your panties will wad up. Don't worry. Once I turn off the fasten-seatbelt sign, you're free to move about the cabin and hoist that wedgie right out your crack. You know what your Mommas say about the heat in the kitchen. Can't stand my flying? I hope you have a parachute. So, now that we have asserted ourselves, let's have some fun. M'kay?

I don't convey myself - my self - on this blog. I want to open up and talk to you like I would really talk. How many people read this anyway? (Hi Joy! I know you do! I hope you keep reading!)

I grabbed the recipe for Pumpkin Silk Pie from here. But technically it was though Pinterest. Because, Pinterest. Okay? My go-to source for pretty much everything. And so help me, if you aren't following me on Pinterest.

It's Fall. It's Autumn. It's Pumpkin Season for crying out loud. Pumpkin. Fucking. Silk. Pie. All of those words should send you into a coma around this time of year.

Tangent? Okay! I used to hate pumpkin. I don't know why. I guess because I grew up with that. If Momma doesn't like it, Momma doesn't cook it, and Momma sure as shit isn't going to serve it to you. Once upon a time, my husband and I were shopping and came across a sample of pumpkin chiffon pie. It was all downhill from there. Pop tarts, lattes, bread. You name it, I've probably eaten it. 

So that recipe calls for Cool hWhip, Stewie. Fucking Cool hWhip. That shit ain't right. Have you read the ingredients? Nothing real is walking around in that tub of fake. Even on the organic tubs. Crap. Just crap. Just like margarine and Crisco. Those assholes. I don't know why I'm even throwing out respect by capitalizing their proper names. 

Would you like to learn some chemistry? Because that's what they're doing to things. They chemistry the shit out of something that doesn't exist and you eat it. They add a hydrogen atom to the chemical chains to stabilize it, throw in another chemical (high fructose corn syrup), add some more stuff that isn't real, and some people call that food. 

And just because there's a heart beating somewhere in my chest, I'm going to draw this for you so you can understand. I promise I don't think you're stupid. Pictures help me. Visuals. Imagery. 

If you are me, the words "fuck that shit" just toppled out your jaw. Lucky for you, I'm making you do extra work. Don't worry, I've done this tons of times. Just relax, it won't hurt. I promise. Go see Alton's recipe. God, I get it. You're almost as lazy as I am. Fine. I'll put that recipe here too. Jeezus. 

So let's make this longer, shall we?

First, make yourself some fresh whipped cream. Second, make the pumpkin fucking silk pie. And don't make a graham cracker crust, either. The ginger snaps and pumpkin anything are BFFs or lovers, even. Yeah. They're lovers. 

Three, hope like hell you don't just smear that all over yourself. It's damn good. 

Damnit! Put your top down. This ain't no Kitchen Aid's Gone Wild. 

I didn't think I'd be writing about it so there are zero process photos. 

I could say sooooo many inappropriate things here. But I am actually going to hold my tongue. 

Now this isn't Stan. 

But Phil here, Phil is so edible. And delectable. And happy to be food. Real food. 

And now for those pesky recipes that you're too lazy to click to their original sources.

Whipped Cream
Ingredients

• 2 tablespoons sugar
• 1 cup heavy whipping cream

Directions

• Place a metal mixing bowl and metal whisk into the freezer for 10 to 15 minutes.
• Place the sugar into the mixing bowl and add the whipping cream. Whisk just until the cream reaches stiff peaks. Store any unused portion in an airtight container for up to 10 hours. When ready to use, rewhisk for 10 to 15 seconds.

Pumpkin Silk Pie
Ingredients

• 32 gingersnaps
• ¼ cup butter, melted
• ¼ cup sugar
• 8 oz package cream cheese, softened
• 2 tsp vanilla
• ½ tsp pumpkin pie spice
• 1 cup powdered sugar
• 1 cup pumpkin

• 16 oz Cool Whip
• 8 oz containter Cool Whip to use for decoration, if desired

Directions

• Finely crush 32 ginger snaps.
• Mix in melted butter and sugar.
• Press into springform pan.
• Bake at 325 degrees for 5 minutes.
• Beat softened cream cheese until light and fluffy.
• Add the powdered sugar, pumpkin, vanilla and pumpkin pie spice; beat until smooth.
• Fold in one large container of whipped topping and spread into the springform pan.
• Place in the fridge for a couple of hours over overnight to allow it to set up.
• Remove the springform pan sides and top with additional whipped topping.
• Sprinkle with pumpkin pie spice.

God help me if you use cool hwhip after I schooled your ass. Alton's recipe will make enough for this recipe. Double that if you want extra for, um, later.