Wear Red Lip Stick

Alternately titled: Spot the Euphamisms

Hello again. I see you over there. You look like crap. You're short, fat, and ugly. You are a frumpy mess. Your back is unnecessarily stabbing you no matter what. You're tired as fuck because your legs wake you up and you only get one-hour naps between uncontrollable leg-fits. You have a shit-ton of things to do.

So what is the best thing to do? Wear red lipstick. No matter what, it will apparently make you sexy.

So sexy in fact, that after stupidly slinging 4 large bags of double-digit weight compost onto a cart all-by-your-damned-self, checking out, and pulling that heavy-assed cart to your car, some dude will magically appear right behind your red-lipped sassy ass and just start putting your smelly compost into your car for you. Fucking creeper. Uh, thanks? Yeah, thanks for this. Abracadabra yourself to my house and I'll let you unload it.

That red lipstick is so sexy still that it will also invite men to ask you what your plans for the week are. Then they will offer help out to your car over a single, well-contained pallet of 12 cans of dog food. I guess I should've turned mushy, coquettish, and all doe-eyed helpless. Make the men work! "Thanks, but I definitely got this."

Are you too chicken-shit to wear red lipstick? I was too. It's so... bold. So out there. An advertisement. Suck it up, baby. Red is classic. It's beautiful. And it makes you feel amazing.  

Find a shade that matches your skin tone. No matter how red that stick looks, it will look pink or purple or, god-forbid, orange if it has the wrong undertone that looks like shit with your undertone. 

Put on lip primer first so you don't eventually end up looking like a sadistic clown-vampire. Just like the red itself abracadabra-ing people to willingly work for you, lip primer will abracadabra-ingly make lipstick work for you. 

Do you remember your childhood? Do you remember how to crayon? Same principal here. They make special stick pencils of lipshade colors. Line your lips so you know where you are supposed to put the fatter stick. 

Watch what you're doing and slather, no, smear? Smooth ah, that sounds shmexy. Smooooth the red lipstick across your lips. That one word gives your lips just the right shape for application. So smooth it on. Just the tip though. You want to avoid the teeth. 

That's all there is to it. Pout away and the weak-minded droolers will follow you. Of course you can top it off with shiny lip gloss to make it look like you've been motor-boating a can of glitter. I'm not a fan of either so I don't do that. There are people out there that do that IRL though. I'm not judging. 

Damn. Girl doesn't look so tired and plain anymore. Go feel better about yourself. 

So Long,

Sass w/a Ass