Productivity Report

Apparently I have this feeling that I am ahead of the game and thus do not need to do any actual work. Far from it. I am behind. And I won't be caught up for the rest of the week. So the plan is to fake it until I make it. I'll be fine. There are just a few time consuming things that I absolutely must do though. Grade papers. I have a large stack of worksheets that need to be graded. And here I sit, writing about procrastinating. I've got things on my mind, okay?

I have been having some very vivid dreams lately. Most of which relate to my recently passed aunt. I believe in the meanings of dreams when they seem extra real to me. Not the type of dreams in which you cannot discern reality. Not the types of dreams where one thing means something else. Let's leave Freud out of that, please. If it's a dog, it's a dog. For instance, I had an overwhelming amount of dreams while pregnant that my baby was a girl. Didn't find out the sex until her birthday. So I think there's something there. Tangent.

Point is, I've been having dreams about my aunt. She's visiting to tell me she's okay or just checking in. Do I believe this? On some level. It is a comfort to have those dreams. But we can all fool ourselves into believing something. I think I'm also having those dreams because I feel guilty. She helped raise me and once I started dating my husband, contact with her just stopped. No, it isn't his fault. I feel guilty that even though I had time to, I didn't visit with her. Then I question, what right do I have to miss her and grieve as much as I am? Every time that I think about her, I become emotional. Not outwardly, but still I get sad.

The past six months or so have been full of death in my family. My mother's oldest brother. One of my mom's brother-in-law. Her sister. And most recently, my cousin's husband whose death is extremely shocking. He was younger than me and he had no medical problems that I'm aware of.

And this is the point at which I shut down. This is my train of thought. And I need to pull myself out of this slump. This depressing line of thinking. There is life. Life that is being made. Life that is new. Life that needs to be lived.

And I'm trying to really live.